Dear Love
by levi-blessing
Summary: These are letters sent by Bella and Edward at different points in their stories. They're trying to make each other understand, trying to make things clear.
1. Dear Edward

**Author's Note: This is something I thought up when I was bored.  
Bella knows what's coming, that there's no guarantee she'll make it through the pregnancy, so she writes this letter to make Edward understand some of her thoughts, to try and make him understand how much she needs him. She gave this to Rose to give to Edward as soon as she started the change, or died, whichever outcome occurred, it was written a few days before she went into labour.  
So please Enjoy.**

Dear Edward,

Today is the day I have been waiting for since you walked into my life, since I found out what you are. I wanted to write you this letter to let you know what's going through my mind, since I know you hate that you can't hear my thoughts. So here you are; no censoring, no white lies to try and protect you. I want to go into this new life with you honestly, no secrets.

So, where to begin? How about the first time I met you? I knew you were special even then, that there was something about you that kept pulling me in. Not like the other girls who looked at you and saw your handsome face or smooth skin, or toned muscles, no, it was your eyes that gripped me, the emotions in them were at the time unidentifiable to me, but now I know what they were, hatred, desire, anger, confusion, annoyance... things so easy to read in your eyes now. I just wanted you to know you had me from that first moment, even after the Biology lesson which followed. As much as I was angry at you I waited for you to come back, I desperately needed you to come back, and I never understood why before now. Want to know why I needed you so badly, even then? Alright, I'll tell you. Because I knew that you were my destiny, that I was meant to stand by your side forever. Nothing's managed to convince me otherwise.

Then there came James, I won't deny that I was terrified, but not because I thought I could die, or that he'd hurt me physically. I was terrified for you, that you'd get hurt trying to save me, that thought hurt me more than anything, still hurts me more than anything, that you might be hurt, physically or emotionally scares me to my core, so I don't want you to feel pain at the events of today, they've always been coming for me, remember, never bet against Alice. So James was no big deal to me, once I knew you were ok. Oh, and did I ever thank you for saving my life? No? Well, thank you.

The next issue we faced was your fault. Your stubbornness and.... I don't know what other words to use, I'm not as eloquent as you, but you know that. You left, really left. As in nothing was left to remind me except those things you couldn't remove, my memories, triggered by everything, music, school, my truck....everything. For those eight months I was broken, Edward. I was a shell, and I know you know this, but I need to tell you, so you can understand how I could forgive you so easily. I walked through those months without noticing, the only time the darkness faded slightly was when I went to La Push and did stuff with Jake, like riding our bikes, walking on the beach or just watching TV. But he was a sun fighting an eclipse, there was no way he could win. Even then, you were the only person I could even conceive of loving, of trusting with everything, all I wanted was for you to come back, to tell me that you'd changed your mind, that you wanted me, that you loved me. So remember, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I never want you to feel bad, I just need you to understand.

The end of those months were surreal at the time, I remember jumping. I remember hitting the water. I remember seeing you. I remember I was ready. Then Jake saved me. Brought me back to the shore and I realised you weren't here, you were still gone. Then Alice turns up, telling me you'd gone to Italy, to the Volturi! Edward that was the stupidest, most reckless thing you could ever have done! I told you, so many times, that no matter what happened to me you were to go on, you were meant to exist, because I don't believe the world could exist without you. So we go to Volterra, desperate to make sure you were ok, not caring if we were gonna come out alive. And then I saw you, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, you were there, about to step into the sun and bring death down upon yourself. I still can't imagine what I'd of done if your plan had succeeded. I just don't know. Anyway, you know what happened after that, but when we got back to Forks, I thought you were going to disappear again, I thought you were another dream, that I'd wake up to the same darkness I'd lived through before. But I didn't, you were there, holding me, loving me, telling me it was all a lie, that you always wanted me. And it took me a while to truly believe you, but my epiphany was the best thing I've ever experienced, I KNEW you loved, KNEW you'd lied, KNEW I still needed you more than ever, that I loved you, and would until the world came to an end, and even then, I'll still love you. So I forgave you, needing us to be like we were, wanting you to trust me like trusted you, to trust my love for you, that even this mere human could love you as deeply as you claimed to love her. So that's why I forgave you.

Now we come to the whole Victoria mess. I need to apologise once more for making you choose, for asking you to stay with me instead of standing beside your family, even if it did turn out for the better in the end. What happens today will make sure that you never have to make that choice again. But that's all over now, and everything that happened with Jake doesn't matter, I'm yours completely, you're never getting rid of me Mr Cullen, that I can promise you.

The night you asked me to marry you was wonderful, and I'm not talking about the one when we got back from Italy, no, the one where I actually said yes. You looked so happy when your mothers ring was on my finger, I had never seen you so happy, and I swore to myself then that I'd do anything in my power to see that look on your face again. I'm happy to report that I have seen that look again, and again, in fact since I agreed that look has become more and more frequent until nearly constant on our honeymoon. But since we came back I've barely seen you smile, well, really smile. You try, but it never reaches your eyes, and it's killing me. So please, before we do this, smile a real smile, it'll tell me everything I need to know, more than you could ever say, because I know then that you'll really me, forever. That you want to be one of you, a Cullen through and through.

The day I married you was like a dream, followed by the most amazing honeymoon ever. And thank you, for trying, for succeeding, and for just being you. You don't understand just how great it was to see you so relaxed, so carefree, not burdened with the thoughts of others, or a sense of responsibility, you were just Edward. The man I fell in love with, and pledged my heart, body and soul to. The man who I want stand beside for the rest of eternity, knowing that no one else will ever truly understand why he's so perfect, so amazing, and that I'll never understand why he chose me. But I don't need to understand to know just how grateful I am that he did.

My final confession is that I'm petrified. I scared that you won't save me. That I'll never meet our child. That I'll have to be somewhere you're not. So please know that no matter what I'll always be with you, you have my heart. I know you don't wanna hear this but I need to say it, don't leave them, our child, you can't. If I don't make, I need you to stay alive, to tell how much I love them, how much I wish I could be there in person, how I will always be there in their hearts, and in yours. So even though I'm scared, I trust you. I know I'll wake up. I know I'll stand beside you. I know I'll always love you. But above all I know you'll worry, so don't. Please. Don't worry about me.

I have a few requests to make of you before I close this letter. Before I start the change, smile and mean it, kiss me as if it were the last time, as if everything depended on that kiss, because it does, I'll fight for the memory of that kiss. Tell me you love me, and let me tell you I love you more. Because I do. And finally...finally, hold me close while we watch the stars, the stars which light my way back to. The ones you can't see until you close your eyes. The ones that hid until you need them. Watch the stars with me Edward.

So, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you've seen into brain. I hope it helped you understand how I know this is the right thing to do. That there is no other choice for me. You're it for me. You are everything I will ever want, need, crave or desire, that will never change. So please, don't see it as an end, but the beginning of our new life, with our new family.

I love you more than you will ever know, or could ever comprehend. I know you won't believe me, but you don't have to, because I know it's true.

I love you, my silly dazzling vampire husband. Remember that. Or I'll make you.  
All my love

Isabella Marie Cullen  
-x-


	2. Dear Bella

**Authors Note: Ok, so at least one of you was wondering what Edward's response would be to Bella's letter. So here goes, he writes this for her to see after their first night together in the cottage, he wrote while watching her change, again he's being completely honest with her. No censoring.**

Dear Bella,

Today is the day. You started the change. You gave birth to our perfect daughter, Renesmee. And as I write this you're lying in front of me, burning, but to look at you, you'd never know it, you're so still, so quiet, silent in fact. I'm scared I didn't do it right, that you're just holding onto that last breath and soon you'll let it go. And you'll be gone. But I'm trying not to think about that right now, I'm hoping that you're coming back, that in a few more days you'll open your eyes and everything will be alright again. So nothing but honesty from me now.

Renesmee is beautiful Bella, she has your eyes, that brilliant deep brown unlike any other, and your hair, the long curls which tempt the fingers into twisting them around your skin, and while it is the chocolate brown of your hair, when the light catches it, it flashes a brilliant bronze colour, a little bit of me. Her skin is milky, midway between your rosy flesh and the alabaster of my skin. She knows who you are, and can't wait to meet you. She's already got the family wrapped around her fingers, eager to make her every whim a reality, especially the girls. She's ours Bella, all ours. Oh, and she has a heartbeat, sounding much like yours when it used to beat wildly in your chest, I like to think that was a reaction to me, but with you I can never be sure my love.

Now, I'll tell you about the first time I met you, starting from the first time I saw you in the cafeteria at Forks High School. You were, how did Jessica Stanley put it? – the shiny new toy. Everyone was interested in the newly arrived daughter of Chief Swan from Arizona. Days before your arrival everyone started thinking about you, what you'd be like, how tanned you'd be...you know the usual inane high school thoughts. But no ones thoughts came close to the real you, the pale skinned dark haired beauty, although I admit my first assessment of you was not the same, I thought you simply another girl. But the silence of your mind made me take a second look, and I'm so grateful that I did, because if I hadn't I would never have felt this way, I would never of had you, or Renesmee.

That first Biology lesson made me hate you, your scent was like nothing I'd ever come across before, or since, and made my throat burn, and the monster inside me roar with want. I wanted you, in the most basic way, I wanted your blood, and I knew it would be the sweetest thing I would ever taste. I plotted the many ways I could kill you, from right there in the classroom, to following you home. But you know this, your scent drove me insane, with every slight move you'd make another waft of it flooded my senses, until I knew the only way to keep myself from killing you was to hold my breath then run. I left Forks that night and went to Denali, seeking refuge from you, from what I thought you'd make me do. But I came back, thanks to Tanya, yes Tanya. She reminded me that I was not a coward as long as I had my family behind me, I could face my problems and beat them. How right she was.

Getting to know you was difficult, you were too observant, too perceptive for my own good. You noticed the changing colour of my eyes, which no one else had. You're sense of self preservation was non existent. But you were a mystery to me, I was so used to being able to read peoples thoughts, using that as a way of finding out about someone that trying to understand your answers, or predict your questions was impossible. Still is. You always surprise me Bella, please, never stop. So instead of reading your thoughts, I learnt to read your eyes. They tell me a lot, but it'll never be enough, I will never understand how your brain works, how you can go form one subject to a seemingly disparate subject in the blink of an eye. But I don't think I really want to, I would love to get inside your head, but I've grown to love the surprise. Eventually I began to trust myself more and more around you, and after the incident in Port Angeles, I knew I had to trust you with my secret, with my family's secret and that was possibly the best decision of my life.

Now I need to tell you something, and I know you won't like hearing, or rather reading it, but, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, for leaving, I will regret that decision always, as I know I wasted so many months where we could've been happy together. I know you'll give me that look when you read this, the one that tells me not to think like that, to let it go and get over it, and I'll try, I promise you that I'll try. OK? I want to thank you for coming to Volterra, however reckless and dangerous that was, because you saved me from myself, and you officially became my guardian angel. So thank you Bella.

We faced so many trials and tribulations I'm not going to mention each and every one, suffice to say that the saying 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger' very much applies to us my love. After everything we've been through we still stand strong, together. And I think in some strange way it all did us good, from James right through to the pregnancy, this road hasn't been easy, but we walked it together, mostly, and you helped keep me on this path.

The night we came to our compromise was one the scariest nights of my life. I was terrified that you'd say no, that you'd run off and ask Carlisle to change you, that you wanted immortality more than me. Just for the record, I know that that's never been true love; I'm just telling you what I thought. I couldn't believe it when you said yes, but then you added your 'demand'. That was something I never thought I'd be able to do, as well you know, but you also know that we tried and succeeded and that was one of the best nights of my life Bella. I can never thank you enough for trusting me, and showing me that I can be the man you need me to be.

The day we got married was the happiest day of my life Isabella. The feeling of knowing that you were officially mine for the entire world to see, forever, was indescribable. But I felt equally elated at knowing that I was yours forever, that you had chosen me over everyone else in the world. Nothing could even come close to that feeling Bella, although seeing Renesmee for the first time comes close.

I'm waiting, nervously, for you to wake up love. I miss you and you're only a breath away from me. I hope you'll come back to me soon because I need you, more than I ever thought possible. And I need to tell you that in person, I need to shower you in kisses and hold you close to me without fear of breaking you.

My beautiful, ever surprising, changing, stubborn wife, we're watching the stars, but I want you to describe them to me, I want to see them through your eyes. So please hurry back to me.

I will always love you.

You have my heart.

Always.

Edward Antony Masen Cullen

Your loving and devoted husband

X

**Author's Note: Ok, so there you go, Edwards response. If there are any other letters you'd like to see from either of these two, to anyone within the books, let me know.  
Thanks guys.**


	3. Dear Edward New Moon

Dear Edward,

I know you don't want me, so I won't be sending this letter, not that I'd know where to send it if I wanted to. I just wanted to talk to you. To tell you that there's something missing in Forks, something missing from everything. The sun isn't as bright anymore, or the rain as wet. The nights are darker, longer, lonelier. The days are just as dark as the nights now. It's like the sun can't drag itself over the horizon anymore. Time has slowed down, it's crawling, every minute feels like a year. And I don't know what to do.

You said it would be as if you never existed. You lied. You can take my photos, my CD, you could take everything I own and it wouldn't matter, I'd still remember you. I'd still love you. You changed my world around, you wandered in and suddenly, suddenly everything made sense. I knew what I wanted out of life, and all I wanted was you. All I'll ever want is you. But you don't want me. You don't love me. You told me.

That day in the forest is emblazoned in my brain, it haunts me in my nightmares. I wake up screaming for you, every night, because I know you won't be there. Your face, your beautiful face, it keeps telling me the same thing, every night. You don't want me. You don't love me. And even though it makes sense for you to feel like that, it doesn't make losing you any easier.

I wish you'd come back, just once, so I'd know you weren't a dream. These nightmares seem like justice, I didn't deserve the happiness you brought into life. I didn't do anything to earn it, so now I'm paying the price for accepting it, for revelling in it. For believing that you could ever love me, or want me.

I hate you. I really do. I hate you for making me believe in the possibility of us. I hate you for giving me a family I loved so much, and then taking them away. I need them. I need to know why, why you left, and why you took them. Didn't you know? Couldn't you see how much I loved them? I get why you left. And so, I guess I know why they left. You all got bored, bored of playing the part for the sake of a clumsy human girl. That's all I am. All I was. I'm not even sure I'm human anymore.

Humans have hearts, right? Hearts that beat, all the time. Race when they see the person that means everything to them. Or even at the thought of them. I don't have my heart. I don't own it, I don't hear it beat. There's a silent space inside my chest, where you took my heart from me. So tell me, can you be human, without a heart?

I want to forget you, for Charlie's sake. He's scared, scared of the screams, of the tears, of the emptiness. He doesn't know what to do anymore. He tries; he tries to calm me when I scream for you. He tries to stop my tears. And he's trying to bring me my life back. He doesn't understand, that the only way I can be fixed, is you. If I knew you were ok, were enjoying your distractions I think I could let you go. It wouldn't matter that the world has stopped turning for me, as long as you were alright.

I've been spending time down at La Push. With Jacob Black. It's the only place there are no memories of you. Nothing reminds me of you. It's easier to pretend there. To pretend that I'm not dead inside. I know you'll be angry about this next part, but I'm struggling to find a part of me that cares. I know I promised you I wouldn't do anything reckless, or stupid, but you made me a promise, and you broke it. I've been riding motorcycles, I realised it was the only way to be close to you. When I ride, it feels like you're there, sure you're angry, and you tell me not to do it, but at least you're there, even for a moment.

I might hate you. I might wish nightly for you come back. I might do reckless things. But above everything Edward, I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone, or anything. I can't change that, I can't ignore it. I can't pretend to forget you. I can't move on, because you are my world. You always will be. So please, understand when I ask you to forget me. To enjoy your distractions, to move on, though it looked and felt like you already had. One of us needs to be able to live, and you, my beautiful angel, you deserve it.

So live your life, forever. A world without Edward Cullen is no world at all. Believe me. I should know. My Romeo, you're not in my world anymore, and I don't think I can change that. I need to accept that before I can truly let you go. So forgive me if I pine a little longer, and I cry a few more tears, and I get lost in a few more nightmares. I want you. I love you. I need you. Always have, always will.

Give my love to your family, tell them I hope they're happy, and that I miss them.

Don't worry about me. I'm only human. I'll grow old. I'll go to college. I'll do...something. I don't know what. But I'll do it all for you. I don't have a choice.

You have my heart, always and forever. Keep it safe.

I love you.

x


	4. Dear Bella New Moon

**Authors Note: OK, I got a suggestion for a response from Edward to the last Bella letter, but I think his own unsent letter may be better since I'm not sure she'd ever actually let him see the letter to respond.**

My dearest Love,

You deserve to know why I left, but since I have removed myself so completely from your world I can no longer tell you. But I can write this and hope that one day I will have the courage to send it. No, you will never read these words, of that I am certain, I gave you a promise and I intend to keep it. It would be as if I never existed.

Sometimes I wish that statement was true for the both of us. That I could go back to the time before you, before us. Back to when things were simple for me, the eternal seventeen year old simply unable to find love. But I could never truly wish that I had never met you, my sweet Bella, never. You made me feel alive for the first time in a century. Sometimes you even made me feel human, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I lied to you my love, that day in the woods was all a lie, the blackest form of blasphemy, there is no way I could ever not want you, not love you. But, Bella, how could you believe me so easily? How could you let one word cancel out all of the millions of times that I told how ardently I love and admire you? How could you? Maybe I'm simply a better liar than I thought. I don't know. But I do know why I left.

Your birthday. Eighteen years old and already talking of aging. Watching you with my family had always scared me, as wrong as it was my need to protect you was constant, is constant, and allowing you to spend extended periods of time in a house full of vampires, some more inclined to slipping than others, occasionally filled me with dread, but nonetheless for months you were fine, everything was fine.

Then you got that blasted papercut, and everything changed. I knew it wasn't safe anymore. I wasn't safe for you anymore. And I had to protect you, no matter the cost to myself, you would always come first. It took me days to realise how a way of making you safe. My four alternatives screamed at me.

The first was impossible from that first day in the meadow, I hoped that you would not return my affections, that you would turn from me, but you my angel, you loved me, turning your back on the chance for a normal life, a normal love. So, option two, it was simple, I could live out your human life beside you, enjoying the years together until the day you died and I would follow soon after. My third option is the one I am currently suffering through, removing myself and my world from yours in an attempt to give you the freedom to pursue that normality, the normal guy, who doesn't always fear killing you and who can give you everything you deserve. My fourth option was the one you would probably have approved of and yet is the most abhorrent to me, changing you, making you into a monster like me.

I could never do that to you my beautiful angel, I could never risk your soul like that. I could never. And no matter how much you said that this life is the one you wanted, you never really understood what that meant. What it means. And I pray, to whatever higher being there may be, that you never find out. For that would truly mean there were no justice in this world, nothing fair or true.

So, in my last effort to protect you I left. I told you I didn't want you. I convinced my family to leave with me. I hope it wasn't all in vain. It broke their hearts to leave you. Their collective pain and heartache however in no way compares to my own. No matter the reason or cause, the simple fact that I know I will never hold you again, never hear you speak, never see your eyes sparkle with joy, never be with you again eats away at me, every second it feels like I lose a little more of myself to the darkness of despair, to the blackness. Only you can save me love, only you, but that is a request I cannot make of you. I cannot risk your wellbeing for my own.

My darling, nothing will ever alter the way I feel about you, and I know that I shall never see you again, and never truly be able to call you mine, but in my thoughts you will always be mine, and we shall always be us.

As the darkness creeps in I bring this letter to a close and only hope that one day you can find it in yourself to forgive me, and that you try to understand why I left, you know me so well I'm sure you can figure it out.

Be sure of one thing. I love you. And even that isn't enough to truly say how I feel.

All that I am, all that I ever was, and all that I ever will be is yours.

Yours eternally,

Edward.


End file.
